I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
