He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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