I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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