Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
