My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
