i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize