I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize