You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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