I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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