i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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