Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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