he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
