The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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