So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
