Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
