oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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