my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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