Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
