I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
