If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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