is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
