....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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