Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
