Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
