So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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