are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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