even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize