don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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