i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
