in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
