Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Holy shit dude........stairs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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