I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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