two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
