walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
