My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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