If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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