he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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