Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
