If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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