I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Randomize
