her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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