I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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