That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
