Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
