Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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