I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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