then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dicks are not precious.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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