I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
