Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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