you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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