Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize