i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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