Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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