I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
