Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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