my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's official drugs can't kill me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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