Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
