please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
