While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
