i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
