Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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